2021.6.13
最近讀了些DN的同人文(主要是Matt/Mello)，這年頭還在這死水一般的圈子裡的人也不多了吧，都是因為某作者時隔5年又更新的關係，害我一不小心又掉回懷舊的情緒裡......
紀錄幾個喜歡的文和作者。
1、〈No Church in the Wild〉by monoxidegirl
月成了新世界的統治者，Matt被關進類似勞改營的處所，遇見試圖逃脫的Mello。喜歡故事背景的設定，有點1984的感覺，逃獄、反政府地下組織活動的描寫很到位，雖然有時只是寥寥數筆，卻仍讓人有身歷其境感。劇情轉折也非常棒，幾處cliffhanger叫人大呼過癮。
2、〈Deux〉by m_jeevas
Mello是舞者，Matt是他偶然的一夜情對象，後來才發現2人同校，可愛的一篇。
同作者還有幾篇仍在連載中，值得觀察。
3、threesmallcrows的幾篇DN同人都是上乘之作，詩意的文字和情緒流動非常美，相見恨晚
(1) 〈Magnolia〉、〈pennies built to pounds 〉
系列作。Mello和Matt外加Near是大學同學，3人畢業後，現在Mello是頗具名氣的音樂製作人，Matt是他的諸多炮友之一，Near則走上學術研究的道路。Matt不滿於Mello混亂的性關係，但在一次月的拜訪後意外發現Mello不為人知的過去，負愧感令Matt痛苦，卻又在一次醉酒後的爭執中對Mello出言相激，導致2人關係破裂。
Mello過去經歷和柳原漢雅筆下的Jude有些類似，Matt也曾處於一段toxic relationship當中，2人面對過往創傷的態度和應對方式在對照下頗有值得思索之處。
摘錄喜歡的文字：
Near shrugs. “On a certain level, we are nothing but reactions on reactions. Particles never straying beyond the bounds of their rules. It isn’t unthinkable that in the future some supercomputer might take in the state of the world at the moment of my birth and plot my life as seamlessly as man once plotted the path from earth to sky at Kitty Hawk. Destiny becomes gravity; once unfathomable, now a constant, known and tamed. On another level, I defy it. Every particle of me defies it, because it is abhorrent. So, Matt. Do the laws of my universe allow me to believe in anything beyond the inevitable? Do Mello’s? Are we bound, or are we free?”
(2)〈Dukes of Nothing〉
清水文，但是很有趣。住在破舊公寓地下室的Matt和盛氣凌人的新住戶Mello，本無交集但在一次公寓淹水的災情中無可避免的共同避難，Matt情緒消沉，難以招架與Mello的互動，殊不知Mello也曾深陷憂鬱之井裡，對Matt的處境頗能同情。後來2人為了拯救Matt女友的金魚，抱著魚缸逐電力而居，東奔西跑相當可愛。
寫Matt的憂鬱：
Then it was spring break. Everyone left the house but him and Mello, Mello for unknown reasons and Matt because he had told his friends he’d caught strep throat and couldn’t travel to Denver after all, when in fact he had caught nothing but a deep depressive spell.
Or more like it had caught him. To Matt it always felt that way. Like twisting your ankle in an unexpected rabbit hole and falling down, which wasn’t so bad, but then, for whatever reason, you couldn’t get back up for the next few weeks, or months, or whatever. Your body stayed glued to the dirt. Tall grass grew around you, obscured your prone form completely.
很Mello的處理方式：
What Matt didn’t and couldn’t know was how transparent he was to Mello, who had himself been through bouts of depression so severe he couldn’t speak. Mello never pitied himself, which sometimes led people to believe he was pitiless in general, but in fact he was perfectly capable of empathizing with others—especially when those others were strangers, which Matt was, at that point. He had already made up his mind to help him.
Mello licked his index finger efficiently and stuck it into Matt’s ear. As Matt jolted up, swearing, Mello continued conversationally, “It’s just bad brain chemistry, Matt. Nothing to be upset with yourself about.”
(3)〈A Normal Year〉
算是最喜歡的一篇。Mello離開孤兒院後加入黑幫，童年玩伴Matt幾年後與Mello重逢，現在是他的情人兼跟班。因為Mello受了傷，兩人受命在天寒地凍的北達科他州蟄伏待命，一面追查目標下落。Matt看似大而化之但不掩他一片赤誠之心，Mello表面淡漠不語實則內心百般痛苦掙扎。結尾收在Kira即將現身的時刻，非常巧妙，雖然和漫畫對比不免令人為2人命運心碎......
文字情感都很美：
Matt couldn’t know this, but Italy had also been the happiest time of Mello’s life. Poor Mello, who had never in all his life felt secure or at ease. Born with the greatest chip on his shoulder mankind had ever seen, the insecure boy who craved power, whose sexuality was a great guilt, whose God was pitiless, who whipped himself mercilessly, whose mind was intricate circuitry firing constantly on the brink of flame, of burning Mello himself out in the service of knowledge and power and knowledge and power—that boy, in that summer, was the closest to peace that he’d ever get.
......
One year later, to the day, bullets would tear through the finely formed, God-given flesh. For the umpteenth time, Mello would have to learn to remake himself again.
And, like every time Mello had had to build himself from scratch, he swore to himself that with the wisdom of his thirteen-sixteen-nineteen-twenty-two years, this time he would make it right. He would leave out what needed to be left out, keep what needed to be kept. God give him a clear heart, clear mind. This time he would be perfect.
Casting about in his pocket for anything left he could sacrifice to the pyre of selfhood, his hand landed naturally on Matt.
Poor Matt, clueless Matt, whose fist had slackened around its anger in his sleep. He cried a little, and woke up puffy-eyed.
(4)〈Get Brave〉
看得很痛，但是寫得非常好的一篇。Mello加入黑手黨，以半綁架的方式招募了幼年好友Matt，其時Matt因憂鬱症等原因吸毒成癮，Mello用不太人道的手段幫助Matt戒毒，隨後如同原著一般，在任務中自行引爆炸彈。Matt雖然救了Mello，卻也無法容忍看著Mello燒傷的臉，他利用Mello休養的期間復吸，眼見Mello日益好轉卻感到驚慌無助。然而Mello難以接受受他人照顧的自己，對Matt愈發嚴苛，Matt索性求去，直到1年後Mello漸漸恢復，才試圖挽回Matt，而Matt正深陷毒癮，一面尋求買毒管道，一面躲避Kira耳目。結尾Matt再次嘗試戒毒，Mello則終於鼓起勇氣與Near合作追捕Kira。
讀著覺得揪心的一段：
Mello struck him as the kind of guy who might’ve developed good taste over the years. Keep a nice house, maybe own some art. Matt wasn’t much for housekeeping. His idea of home was a room with Mello in it. Somewhere they could ignore the silverware and eat with their hands, sit on counters, fuck on floors. Little extraordinaries.
也有令人捧腹的描寫：
In the living room, Redd and company sat in a neat line on the couch, hands cuffed behind their backs.
“Jesus christ, Matty.”
“I am so sorry about this.”
“You couldn’t have dropped a hint you were fuckin’ fuckin’ Mello? Never thought that was relevant fuckin’ intel?”
“Matt’s gay?”
“I like girls too,” he reassured Tiffany. “Like I guess I’m bisexual, technically.”
“Are we having a goddamn conference?” said Mello, incredulously. He was still holding Matt by the ear, like a teacup handle.
(5)〈Lay Over〉
Mello是個成功的社會菁英，Matt是他大學時代的毒蟲男友，2人分手後藕斷絲連。Mello過去嘗試讓Matt擺脫毒品，不成後乾脆另外和他人發展關係，導致Matt又更加沈淪毒品。2人雖已分開，卻仍放不下彼此，收尾頗感人：Matt經歷強制住院後，在心理醫師的建議下開始嘗試自己做菜（和開頭他古怪的恐慌對比），他到紐約找Mello作為戒毒100天的慶祝。
結尾Mello意識到Matt為他所做的：
By nighttime he seems like a well-bruised apple. Concussed by contact with too many people without the shield of a chassis and tinted windshield. He absolutely refuses to go out anywhere for dinner, drags you both home, where he hides in your bedroom, noodling around on his Gameboy and ignoring you. Decompressing.
In the single photo you guys took, on the observation deck of the Empire State, he is pressed into your shoulder like a clam to its rock. Smiling with his mouth but not his eyes, tilting away from the bodies of strangers.
He really is only here for you.
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